Grover’s Heart Will Go On

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In Celine Dion’s iconic song “My Heart Will Go On,” she’s all like “near, far, wherever you are.” This makes me think, “What if Grover sang this song?” He’s the muppet who’s all like “near, far” right? And he runs toward the screen or away from it? Anyway, here are the other muppets I’d like to hear sing “My Heart Will Go On.”

1. Fozzie

2. Rolf

3. Beaker

4. Swedish Chef

5. That dude who just blows shit up

6. Camilla the chicken

7. Statler and Waldorf

8. Oscar the Grouch

9. Franklin

10. That dude who Grover always pisses off.

 

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Either Those Curtains Go Or I Do

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Do you remember baseball being on CBS? Because I do not. I know CBS as the sport for SEC football, the Sun Bowl, AFC NFL games, and college hoops. However, apparently they used to have the MLB on back in the day, including in the 90s. How did I find this out? Through Billy Joel of course.

So I was listening to the new King Khan & BBQ Show album. They do a garage rock/punk/doo wop sort of thing, and so I was thinking about doo wop, and when I think doo wop, I think Billy Joel. I was wondering if he had released any of his doo wop stuff in the 90s, so I could write about it. However, he only released one album in the 90s, River of Dreams, and I don’t recognize a single song from it. At the bottom of the River of Dreams page on the Wikipedia, there are two expandable tables. One is, naturally, for Joel himself. The other is for Major League Baseball on CBS.

He’s listed in the music section, leading me to believe that these were songs frequently used on broadcasts, like how people use that terrible Fall Out Boy song now. I know that’s not specific enough, and that every Fall Out Boy song is a flaming pile of garbage, but you know the one I mean. Also, Fall Out Boy fans reading this, I do not begrudge you your fandom. I am merely stating that, in my personal opinion, you listen to music that robs me of my will to live, and somehow you enjoy it.

Anyway, two of the songs are “The Boys of Summer” and “Right Now,” the Van Halen song. Makes sense. One is always associated with baseball, and the other clearly was used in the playoffs, what with the lyric “Right now there is no tomorrow.” I think that’s where the other two songs come in. One is “The Famous Final Scene,” which is a song by Michigan legend Bob Seger. I’ve written about this on other websites, but Seger is outsizedly popular in his home state. I grew up assuming he was a legend on par with the big names of classic rock. That is not quite the case, though he is a fairly well-known musician. Anyway, the other song, the final song on River of Dream, is “Famous Last Words.”

I don’t know this song, but, again, I’m sure it was used to hype up playoff baseball. Elimination games and all that. Get busy living, or get busy dying. I guess my general point is that I like Billy Joel’s doo wop stuff by and large.

 

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Stanley Pup

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The Ducks played hockey. I refer, of course, to the Ducks from the Mighty Ducks movies. They were a bunch of scrappy hockey playing underdogs. Air Bud played basketball, but he also played football and volleyball and soccer and maybe jai alai and stuff.

So, my question is, why didn’t the Ducks play other sports. Hockey’s not year round, you know? Couldn’t they have all joined, like a soccer league? Or a baseball league? I’d say basketball, but you probably couldn’t fit them all on one team. Then again, it’s all about the core Ducks, right? Conway, Banks, Averman, Fulton, Goldberg, and the like? Couldn’t they have taken their wacky antics to other sporting realms? You know, for the kids who weren’t into hockey? Imagine a Team USA basketball team playing the evil basketball juggernauts from Iceland. Imagine a basketball Flying V, which wouldn’t even lead to anybody going offsides like in hockey.

Also, why didn’t Air Bud play hockey? I know the whole “air” part wouldn’t work. He’d have to be Ice Bud. Still, if a primate could do it, and become the Most Valuable Primate, a golden retriever can do it. Now, you may be saying to yourself, “Hey, how would a dog hold a hockey stick?” Fair point. But he can play goalie. He wouldn’t have a stick, but he could wear pads. Four pairs of shin pads. Knocking slap shots out of the air. Teaching us how to love again. And so on. Imagine a hockey playing dog going up against the evil hockey juggernauts of Iceland.

Or a skiing dog. Hot Dog Dog: The Movie.

 

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Play That Funky Music, Artie

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We know very little about Artie, the Strongest Man in the World. Here are a couple things we do know. When the bandleader of Big Pete’s high school band tries to suck the fun out of it, Artie shows up to instill some joy back into music, leading the band in a rousing rendition of a song that sounds an awful lot like “Love Roller Coaster” by Red Hot Chili Peppers. It saved Ellen, if only temporarily. Second, when the dude trying to shut down Little Pete’s radio station requesting “Surfin’ Bum, Surfing Fun” who showed up to save the day by knowing the song? Artie, of course.

So what do we know? Artie likes some funky music. Surf rock and the funkier side of the RHCP catalog? That’s a real groove to fall into. He’s the strongest man in the world, and he probably likes to listen to George Clinton. And one time he sold aluminum siding.

 

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The Talented Mr. Connors

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As I mentioned in the last post, I have been perusing new television channels I have recently. One is called Cozi, which is a name I don’t like, because they show mostly old sitcoms, and it feels like nostalgia is being evoked. It feels like “Isn’t it so cozy how familiar this is.” Snuggle up in a blanket with some cocoa or some shit. No dice, dudes. There’s also a channel called This that shows a bunch of cult movies, like old hot rod and beach party movies and stuff. Also, Escape From New York once. However, this isn’t about This. This is about Cozi, sort of. Really, it’s about Groundhog Day, which has been on a couple times recently.

We have an entire episode of the podcast dedicated to Groundhog Day. Generally speaking, we all said positive things. I really like the movie, but Bill Murray is probably my favorite actor so I tend to like his stuff. However, when I think about that movie, I don’t necessarily like it less, but something really occurs to me.

A lot of people put a positive spin on the story arc of Groundhog Day. However, here’s what the movie is from my perspective. An abrasive, misanthropic dude finds himself trapped in a world for decades if not centuries, and, only after years upon years of awfulness and crimes and anger, he crafts a good guy persona for himself to try and get Andie MacDowell and to try and escape the drudgery of this world or whatever. It’s all an act of giving up from Phil Connors. He’s doing nice, generous things because there are no other options for him. He starts making different kinds of jokes. He’s saying things out of the desire to make other people like him.

There is no Phil Connors left by the end of the movie. I mean, there is, but he’s buried it. He’s living a false life. He’s the same man. He hasn’t changed. Fate has forced his hand, and he has given in, reluctantly. It’s disconcerting to hear him trading flirtatious quips with Rita, because they ring so hollow. I know, in the end, he decides the town has grown on him or whatever, for a feel good ending or something. And that’s kind of nice. However, let us not forget the real underpinnings of this story. It’s like the ending of Grease, but more so.

 

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Karate Elvises

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I now find myself with access to much more television channels than I used to have access to. I’ve been flipping around and finding stuff and et cetera. One time, I flipped over to TV Land. I mean, that channel isn’t new to me. I’ve had it on before. They used to show Get Smart episodes. Here’s what I saw.

There was an Elvis impersonator doing “Heartbreak Hotel” on a stage. A couple other Elvis impersonators were watching him sternly. Another Elvis impersonator and a lady in a fringy dress watch the watchers. A lady and a child are quite happy about the guy on stage. Then, the first two dudes go to kill them. So, the other guy and the lady engage them in a fight. Then, a huge karate fight between Elvis impersonators began. It ended with the guy on stage doing a leaping flying karate kick into the back of one of the bad guys.

It was pretty bizarre, but funny and kind of interesting. I was amused by it. I had no idea what I was watching. Then, I found out it was Walker, Texas Ranger.

Granted, I am just assuming that, because later I saw Chuck Norris dressed like how I imagine Walker dresses in a car. Also, I’ve seen parts of the show before, because of the Walker, Texas Ranger Lever bit that Conan O’Brien did. Plus, I saw an actual episode once, at my great grandparents’ house in Florida. A guy fell into quicksand. Did you know there were eight seasons and 203 episodes? And it aired on CBS? For some reason, I had presumed this was a cable show. Like, on the USA Network or something. Nope. Network. CBS. Now, they are on TV Land. Like episode of Family Feud, for some reason.

 

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