Olowokandiland

Posted

th

In the 90′s, Michael Jordan and Shaquille O’Neal both got video games. There’s more to that, though. They weren’t basketball video games. They had, like, fighting and stuff. Evil scientists and grenade basketballs and nonsense. But why did Air Jordan and Shaq get games when nobody else did? There was one other obvious choice. I speak of Michael Olowokandi.

Olowokandi was the first overall pick in the 1998 NBA Draft and then, from there, nobody can argue that he didn’t have a career. He was known as the Candy Man, and, as such, obviously what we needed was Olowokandiland.

It wouldn’t be like the board game Candyland, other than the fact candy would be involved. I imagine Olowokandi going through all sorts of candy levels in a side scroller. He could maybe throw basketballs at stuff, and jump on things. Oh, and then at the end of the level he has to jump up and dunk on a rim. But, it would be automatic, like when you ended a Mario level and he just took himself into a pipe or whatever. You get to the end of the level, you pick up, like, a big gumball, and you dunk it. Because candy.

There would be evil candy bad guys. At a certain point you have to decide if the candy is going to be an aesthetic, or if they will be good guys and the bad guys will be, like, vegetables, or if candy will also be villains. There would be candy villains. Maybe the big bad is a giant chocolate bar that shoots chocolate at you? These are all good ideas.

Now, all I need is somebody to get me back to 1998 so I can pitch this.

 

You can find Chris Morgan on the Twitter.

Read More

The Busboy’s Coming

Posted

Seinfeld1&2

Since we just had the one-year anniversary of Existential Parachute Pants, and so this is the first post of the second year of this entity, I wanted to look at the second season of a classic show. I decided against The Simpsons, to get the second year off on the right foot. This whole endeavor gets perilously close to just being a Simpsons project at times. So, I went with Seinfeld, especially because it has an interesting second season.

The story behind Seinfeld is one of a show defying the odds and becoming the biggest hit in the world. The first few seasons weren’t even all that well seen at the time. A lot of fans didn’t seem them until reruns. The thing of it is, that might have been beneficial. The first couple seasons of Seinfeld aren’t that good. I mean, they’re fine, but I don’t know if there is a single great episode in the first two seasons.

The second season is only 12 episodes, and while it feels more like the Seinfeld we know and love than season one, it isn’t quite there. The pacing is slower. The stories are less complex. Their relationships, with one another and with other people, is weird at times. Yes, the second season has “The Chinese Restaurant.” Yes, that was a pretty bold idea. However, it isn’t all that funny of an episode. It’s more clever than anything else. It’s amusing, I enjoy it, but it’s not tremendous by any means. Also, James Hong favorited a tweet of mine once. Because I mentioned him in it. Because he was in an episode of The Bob Newhart Show that Pat Morita was also in. Hong plays a guy a character mistakes for the maitre’d, and for a moment it seems like it will be just like “The Chinese Restaurant” and I almost lost my mind. It’s all a fake out though. Oh, and the guy who played Uncle Leo was in an episode with Henry Winkler aka the motherfucking Fonz!

Now, season three? Season three is Seinfeld. You know what other show really took a step forward in season 3? The Simpsons. Also, a lot of shows. Like, a ton of them.

 

You can find Chris Morgan on the Twitter.

Read More

Look How Far We’ve Come My Baby

Posted

Wiwt_single1

Today is July 22, 2014. That doesn’t really mean much in and of itself. It is not, from what I know, Christmas or Bastille Day or what have you. What it is, however, is the one year anniversary of Existential Parachute Pants. On July 22 2013, I made the first post on this blog. It was the beginning of a pop culture project I was excited for. I would be writing about 90′s pop culture, not from a place of nostalgia from a place of humor and criticism and… other stuff. Look, I will admit that there was no clear gimmick or point of view to Existential Parachute Pants. I just wrote what I felt like writing.

And I wrote every day. Not a single day in that time was there not a post on EPP. Although, funnily enough, I almost missed yesterday if only because I had a post saved as a draft and almost forgot to publish it. This was done with intention. I wanted to write new content every day, and I did, and I am pleased with myself. Sure, did I usually just screw around in Wikipedia until I found something that amused me most of the time? Absolutely, but in the process I found all sorts of pop culture from the 90′s I didn’t even know about. I enjoyed it. I gained knowledge, trivial knowledge but knowledge nonetheless, and then I wrote some stuff for the world.

Did all of this amount to much? I don’t know, and, frankly, my guess is not really. Was I hoping to find some traction or something? Sure. I mean, I work professionally as a freelance writer, mostly writing about pop culture and sports. OK, writing entirely about pop culture and sports. I felt like, maybe, 365 straight days of posts could be beneficial to me. Maybe somebody would stumble on something. Maybe I’d get some work. That hasn’t happened, and that’s disappointing, but that is what it is. I regret nothing about the project.

I don’t know how much you, the hypothetical you reading this, read of this blog. I hope you enjoyed it. Also, I realize I am saying a lot of this in the past tense. That is perhaps misleading. The Existential Parachute Pants blog is not ending. Like I said, I enjoy it, and like I said, I have received little to no practical benefit from it to this point. I’m not going to give up now. And, of course, the podcast is going strong. For any questions I have about the reach of this blog, the podcast seems to be doing well. Plus, I love pop culture, so it’s not like this is a cosmic hassle to me.

I hope that the first year of Existential Parachute Pants, the blog and the podcast, has brought you joy. We’ve had joy, we’ve had fun, I dare say we’ve ever had seasons in the Sun. Also, a lot of posts about The Simpsons and Weird Al and bizarre video games from the 90′s. As I stated on Twitter once, every time I write a new post and I have to put an image on it, I see some of the images from past posts, and it reminds me of all the ridiculous stuff I’ve been writing about. One of the first posts was imagining a Werner Herzog movie about the making of ALF. Get ready for another year of that.

 

You can find Chris Morgan on the Twitter.

Read More

The Moon And The Stars In The Sky

Posted

All4one-iswear

The “song of the summer” is a topic that always gets broached this time of year. Right now, the leader in the clubhouse is Iggy Azalea’s “Fancy” but that’s not the 90′s. I decided to dip into the 90′s to look for a song of the summer. I went to 1994, because it’s 20 years ago and yeah I know that’s arbitrary and stuff, but whatevs.

Anyway, there isn’t any real question about the song of the summer for 1994. From the week of May 21 through the week of July 30, “I Swear” by All-4-One was the number one song of the country. That’s pretty definitive. I remember this song. It’s OK. It’s from the days of R&B guy groups singing love songs and being popular. I mean, for pretty much the rest of 1994 Boyz II Men topped the charts with a couple different songs. In between it was “Stay” by Lisa Loeb. Man, 1994 was a soft year for music.

That also feels anathema to summer song style. It’s usually all about jams and dope beats and stuff. “I Swear” does not have. It has love declarations and stuff. That’s fine, but it’s not party music. Not even in 1994. Lisa Loeb would agree. Wait, “I Swear” is a cover of a country song! This changes everything.

 

You can find Chris Morgan on the Twitter.

Read More

Watch Out For Snakes!

Posted

th

You may know the actor Richard Kiel because he was super tall and he was Jaws in the Bond movies, but not in Jaws, or even Jaws: The Revenge. I bet he could have played a shark. To a certain generation, he is probably best known for being in Happy Gilmore, playing the really tall guy.

He was also in Eegah!, playing the titular Eegah, who is some sort of caved man. It is well known in the MST3K world for the terribly ADR’ed line, “Watch out for snakes!” As such, I am disappointed that they didn’t have Kiel say “Watch out for snakes” during Happy Gilmore. I mean, there could be snakes on a golf course. It would have made sense. Maybe somebody who worked on the movie had seen that episode. They are comedy fans and all, but maybe they weren’t into Mystery Science Theater 3000. Although, I don’t even think they made any Jaws references.

Look, we’re talking about a movie about a crass hockey player turned golfer and he fights Bob Barker and people wear KISS masks. It wouldn’t have felt out of place. Then again, maybe they didn’t want to mix snakes and gators. Watch out for gators! Somebody could have said that.

 

You can find Chris Morgan on the Twitter.

Read More

Existential Parachute Pants: A 90′s Pop Culture Podcast – Episode 52: The Simpsons

Posted

90siTunes

We decided to declare this our one-year anniversary episode, and as such we decided to talk about The Simpsons for one, final time. So, if you are tired of us talking about the greatest artistic achievement of mankind, you’re in luck. However, we did not merely talk amongst ourselves. Instead, we invited in Dr. Karma Waltonen, professor and co-writer of a book about teaching The Simpsons in the classroom, to join us. She knows her stuff, obviously, and we were happy to have her.

You can find Karma on Twitter here: @KarmaWaltonen. Also, you can find stuff out about her Simpsons related stuff at @Simpsonology. Check that stuff out if you enjoy The Simpsons, and I assume you do, because you are a human being of flesh and blood. Now, for the more traditional plugs for the Existential Parachute Pants podcast:

We are on the iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/existential-parachute-pants/id680253940 So give us a rating or subscribe or leave a comment. Look, we’ve given you 52 episodes, plus the bonus episode about The Phantom Menace with the terrible audio. To return the favor, could you perhaps just simply give us a rating or something? It takes pretty much zero time, and it allows us to grow in stature on iTunes, which remains the foremost source of podcasts for the everyman.

On the Twitter, we are at @ExistentialPant, @ChrisXMorgan, and @SethMacy, and on Facebook, we are also an entity: https://www.facebook.com/epp90

The theme song remains “Her Favorite Bra” by Dan Emery Mystery Band. Thanks for listening. It’s been a fine year of podcasting. We’ve certainly enjoyed ourselves. I hope you’ve enjoyed it as well, as the passive listener with no stake in Existential Parachute Pants.

Read More