Corey and Corey Kill it in “The Lost Boys”

I really like to use Facebook, because apparently, deep inside, I am either a 14 year-old boy or a 47 year-old woman. None the less, I find myself constantly monitoring my newsfeed, mostly to check out what people are experiencing for weather, or if they cooked something, or if they’ve just had enough of something or someone. Because I, as most people, am barraged by an onslaught of people’s chit-chat, I see a lot of vampires. Not literally, but there is a steady, underlying stream of vampire talk linked mostly to the Twilight saga. I don’t think I can say anything about Twilight that hasn’t already been said a million times. Sure, it’s a moving love story that takes vampire lore in an entirely new and sexy direction, but we know that already. Team Jacob versus Team… that other guy… is last year’s meme. Who catches on this team? Who pitches? Does it matter? When it comes right down to it, the answer is no. “No,” because Twilight is dumb. It took something as awesome and evil as vampires and reduced it to a throwaway fad that kids today will be writing about in their space blogs in 15 years with the same sort of nostalgic wistfulness that someone my age might employ when writing about a movie from their own generation. “O,” they’ll begin their future blog, “rmbr wen twilite wuz the bessst thees kidz today dont know wat a vampire moovee is with all the alienz lolz alienz in vampirez mooveez lol.” People need to remember that while vampires can be, and often are, sexy, ultimately they are undead creatures forced to live on the hot, red blood of the living. Sunlight kills the shit out of them. They sleep all day in coffins or upside-down like bats. Most importantly they murder people every night so that they may exist for but another dusk. If a vampire fought a werewolf, the werewolf would be destroyed because vampires are crafty and would just attack them on one of the 27 nights during a moon cycle when they were just regular hunks. Vampirism most certainly does not involve having sex, because a vampire’s erection would be cold and hard like a corpse’s, and to a vampire eating someone out means eating the throat out of their neck.

“The Lost Boys” is the 1987 movie about some vampires who live in California (sexy). My wife is from California, and she is pretty sexy, so I haven’t ruled out the possibility that she might be a vampire. Since this is 1987 the vampires have mullets, which should make them less intimidating but their wily undead ways make it work. I have to wonder if they were turned into vampires when they had mullets, or if (in the mythology of The Lost Boys) they’re able to sculpt their hair into any shape they want? There are many ambiguities that are left to the imagination of the viewer. Corey Haim and his mother and older brother move to Santa Clara, CA, from Phoenix because his mom got divorced. The Santa Clara in this movie is exactly how I envisioned California to be: an eclectic mix of punks, hippies, and rockers. The people are strange, when you’re a stranger, and a lot of them have mohawks, which tells you that these people are crazy and not to be messed with. Imagine my disappointment when I actually went to California and I found out that a lifetime of movie watching had lied to me. There were no spontaneous beach bonfires. People weren’t sitting on the curb with their surfboards, smoking cigarettes and listening to music on boomboxes. And most of all, no one was riding dirtbikes and there certainly weren’t any vampires. The California we all know and love from movies and TV just doesn’t exist. Instead it’s just a place like any other, where people drive their Civics to buy stuff at Wal*Mart, or wear jeans in the same way everyone else does instead of shredded with a flannel shirt tied around their waist. I’m pretty good at avoiding reality so instead I choose to believe that somewhere there exists not only a California where people are constantly dancing around beach bonfires, but also a to-scale town for dwarves. Call me a dreamer if you will, but I will continue to dream the dream. A California dream, if you will.

This movie has Corey Haim and Corey Feldman in it, at the same time, so right there you know it’s awesome. In fact, I would say that “The Lost Boys” is Corey Feldman’s finest movie, playing vampire-hunter Edgar Frog. My question is, whatever happened to Alan Frog? He sort of disappeared. A quick IMDB search tells me he most recently teamed up with his old pal Corey (the alive one) and made the second sequel to “The Lost Boys,” “The Lost Boys: The Thirst.” That seems unfortunate, especially since at the end of the original movie there were literally no questions that were left unanswered. None. What’s even more unfortunate is that he was in the first direct-to-video sequel and his scene was deleted. That’s a special feeling of suck right there. Poor guy. All his life, people my age line up at third-rate cons in mid-market cities like Des Moines to get his autograph. “Hey, nice job in that movie 25 years ago. That was really a lot of fun. Well, I’m going to go and get Wil Wheaton’s autograph now. He Twitters a lot. Also he played the most unlikable of all the Star Trek TNG characters but has since enjoyed somewhat of a revival.”

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