For the VIP Crew: This Week’s Selection

Fuck yes.For this week’s show, we’ll be discussing one of history’s greatest movies: Cool as Ice. To celebrate this incredible achievement in cinematic splendor, I’m cutting and pasting the blog from that I got paid to write about the film. Please enjoy.

(Originally published at 1up) Remember communism? It was a pretty big deal around the world. The Red Menace swept across the Eurasian continent, with most of Eastern Europe falling behind the much-loathed “Iron Curtain.” Where is communism today? With a few exceptions, pure Stalinist communism has mostly fallen from favor. What caused this tremendous shift of people living under a control economy, to hundreds of millions enjoying the freedoms of democracy and free markets? Was it a failure of the logistics of attempting to plan the unpredictability of an entire economy? Was it popular uprisings and the triumph of the human spirit? No. A large number of communist governments were toppled in a domino effect that began with the crumbling of the Berlin Wall in 1989 and culminated with the fall of the Soviet Union in 1991. In 1991, two movies were released the world over, both of which starred Vanilla Ice, and the second movie released, “Cool As Ice,” is largely responsible for the wildfire of freedom that tore through Europe in that tumultuous summer historians generally refer to as “The Summer of Ice.” The movie is still banned in Cuba and North Korea, but is freely traded on the streets of China, hence the loosening of market controls and the absence of Maoism.

“Cool as Ice” is Vanilla Ice’s first (and last) starring role. After the release of his stunningly successful debut album, “To the Extreme,” which went on to sell eleven million copies, America was fully gripped by Ice Fever, a fever which top pharmaceutical scientists have yet to find a cure. To satiate the unquenchable thirst for Vanilla ice that goes along with Ice Fever, Universal Pictures released “Cool as Ice” in the early autumn of 1991. Hot on the heels of his first movie, where he played a pivotal role as “Himself” in “TNMT II: The Secret of the Ooze,” whispers of “Oscar” were already being being tossed around the gilded halls of The Academy.

Ice plays “Johnny,” a young rebel who is capable of jumping his Ninja bike several times without the assistance of a ramp. But that’s so obvious, because duh, it’s a ninja. After rocking the mic like a vandal at a big time hip-hop gig, he and his fellow bandmates find themselves broken down in a town that time forgot. You’ve probably seen this very same town before, but not in real life because it doesn’t exist. In magical Hollywood, it exists to the extreme. Everyone in this town is crazy wack. No one has graffiti-painted pants. Not a single person has shaved pin-striping into their eyebrow. And they sure as shit know nothing about getting funky… until Johnny rolls in with his fresh posse and has to stick around for a while because his bandmate’s motorcycle conveniently breaks down. He tries to impress a young girl (“Kathy,” played by Kristin Minter) despite her romantic involvement with a total douchebag, because, like Powerglove, he’s so badd. She refuses his highly focused laser of pure sexuality at first, but cracks soon begin to appear in her relationship with Captain Douchenozzle. After having their ear holes prolapsed by an unexpected rap attack at the hands of Johnny, Douche and Kathy try to leave The Sugar Shack (the local hangout), but he’s been drinking from a flask. A flask that contains alcohol… Satan’s Clam Chowder! Here we see that while DB may seem like the perfect young man, with his sweater knotted jauntily about his shoulders and his gleaming Corvette, it is the so-called bad boy whose soul is pure and lyrics dope. Such depth of story and character has never been practiced in the art of cinema with such dexterity and grace as it is here. It looks like things are going to get all sexy-time for Johnny until some old friends of Kathy’s father (played by “Family Ties'” Michael “You Bet I’ll Do Another Tremors Movie” Gross) come a-knockin’. I’m not talking about Nick and Skippy, either, I’m talking about shady criminal types. These scumbags kidnap Kathy’s younger brother and Ice not only rescues him, he rescues the shit out of him with the help of Ninja… bikes.

The current cultural climate of irony makes this the perfect movie to watch at your next sweater party. But be careful, because watching it may cause women’s crotches to spontaneously combust.  Treat yourself to this terrible-quality Youtube video of the trailer, and then watch this movie TONIGHT. Drop that zero and get with the hero.

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